The sound of silence (todays the wake)

Dear Grandpa,
You truly were a man of decency, loyalty and of course never ending love. It’s honestly hard to realize that you are not here anymore with us. I believe that you are in a better world now, reuniting yourself with ones you knew before our time, especially grandma. I know that she misses you the most. I hope that you go on knowing that you were a dignified man and I thank you for teaching my mother everything you could to make her the great person she is today. I’m also proud to say that you will definitely live on through her as well as her children so on and so forth. Please do not take this letter as a good bye but a so long, for we will see each other again and play five hundred rummy of course. I know that you must leave for now but I wanted to let you know that you are truly special to me because you were the only grandfather I was able to get to know. I hope that if you see my other set of grandparents tell them that I give them all my love, for they too have given me a great father figure. Nevertheless, thank you for all the great memories, I love you grandpa with all my heart.

“It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived.”

So long <3,

  • Current Mood
    awake awake

Oh boy......

If you still care at all
Don't go, tell me now
If you love me at all
Don't call

So Tom has left for a week or so, Surprisingly I'm actually sad that he's gone. He's been the only person to make me happy since this whirl pool of depression with Shawn. When him and I meet again we are both going to look different, apparently he's going to get his hair cut as am I yet I'm getting a new tattoo (the one in previous post).

I've made some resolutions for this year:

1. Work out
2. Think less about what I've lost and How much I've gained (friends, love, life)
3. Allow someone in emotionally

I've been doing well with my depression and thoughts. I believe that with time things will finally dissolve into nothing. With the lyrics above they help me focus on why its important that we don't talk. If we did ultimately we would never be able to be happy whether or not that happiness is with someone else. I'm almost certain that in a few years we will meet again and...maybe not even recognize each other.

Also I've let go of all my old friends and am leaning towards better days here on the other coast :).
  • Current Music
    Jimmy Eat World ~ your house


So, the unthinkable happened...Shawn and I slept together 4 times but....it really didn't change anything between us. he told me he was going to tell her...but a part of me disbelieves that he's going to tell her everything. He's not answering any of my calls nor texts....idk what to think anymore. hope is down as well as the over all aspect of being together in the future. He's wrong.

Do I have to intervene, I still have one of his lj posts saved just in case a situation like this occurred...but am I the one whose going to have to unleash this?....i dont understand why he can't pick up his phone like an adult...or text me back he says he loves me and always will so....why must he ignore me?

I feel like i have to tell her myself, send her that post just to reach out to her and let her understand. obviously shawn wants to ignore me i'll give him a better reason to.


"I hope she understands"
"I really like her"
"I like you both as much"

Forget about it kim......he loves you he just isn't IN love with you......Move on you deserve better then that.

I'm in love with him still, but it doesn't matter of my wants and needs.....I need to find someone who doesn't sit there and toy with emotions. someone who would choose me in a heart beat and not twirl a symbolic thing of another in their hands while talking to you.
  • Current Mood
    sad sad


I Think I'm done, I've come to find that there are a lot of bad people in this world as there are good. I believe a new start is coming ahead a brand new day, slowly but surely. For the past couple of days I've been confused, Found some thing out that I wasn't too happy in hearing But I must learn from these experiences and move on. There are many people in this world and I know there is someone dying to meet someone like me :)

Thank you Nick and Norah, You've proved that when ever in times of doubt theirs always a new horizon broadening your way. Again thank you for showing me who I truly am.
  • Current Music
    wheres fluffy?


I've finally figured myself out, I've figured others internal motives out as well.
I think its time to pay close attention to the big picture instead of the little things.
I think its time to pass off my experiences to a younger generation whose in trouble.

"You're asking me will my love grow.
I don't know, I don't know.
Stick around, and it may show.
But I don't know, I don't know."

(I hope my aunt kate is okay though, I recently found out shes been in the hospital since Monday this week. She is having similar heart arrhythmia like my father, I suppose her age finally caught up to her and living with smokers (her husband and all four kids) shes suffering....I can only hope for the best, If things get drastic we are bay lifting her to Sarasota memorial hospital, Time gives and gives but slowly starts taking away.)
  • Current Music
    Something- The beatles

Who am I?

I use to be the girl with virtues and rights, the organized professional on track with nothing in her way. Now I've hit the "wall"......and I don't understand it one bit. I want everything....but nothing. I want to go places....but i'm comfortable where I'm at. I want to attempt to be the girl he wanted me to be.....but...sadly I'm me.

Where am I? Who am I?.....

I guess its true most depression hits around the holidays.

She’s going out to forget they were together
All that time he was taking her for granted
She wants to see if there’s more
than he gave she’s looking for

He calls her up
He’s trippin on the phone now
He doesn’t want her out there
And alone now
He knows she’s movin it
Knows she’s using it
Now he’s losing it
She don’t care

Everybody put up your hands
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
Feel the beat now
If you’ve got nothing left
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
Back it up now
You’ve got a reason to live
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
Feelin' good now
Don’t be afraid to get down
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
  • Current Music
    good charlotte


I'm starting to feel lost, as if my morals and opinions from last year and the years before dissolved in a blink of an eye. I don't know where exactly I'm heading.....I had a really fun night tonight....but was it too much? Was eve that ever so tempted to enjoy the forbidden fruit regardless the fate that lied ahead?

where am I going?......***(seriously confused)***

I still have my game plan, my hopes, my dreams, but recently the idea bubble has been enjoying itself way to much....I need to seriously calm myself before something gets worse....

I guess this is the end?

save me.
  • Current Music
    good charlotte - I dont wanna be in love

Its for the best

Since you were honest I'm going to put myself out here on the line, You're with someone else because shes closer yet consistently you day dream of me. You purposely come back to LJ in the hopes that I would still be here, you found me and my only type of sanctuary I have left.

what is going on in your brain?......I want you to be happy whether or not if that happiness is with me. Your always going to think of me, love me like no one else in this world. I will admit freely that I dont know what is bound to happen on break....this is life your living and you decide what goes on in your movie. I'm not going to pursue anything at the moment of how i'm going to live. I do still love you with all my heart and I always will. Even though I'm with someone too I can't help but to turn around and see you. You and I live a similar life, I suppose we need time away from each other? Our situation in general sucks.

I'm only with justin as security, I find him attractive, but I dont love him.

If this ...."us" was meant to be I'm sure with time it will blossom once more
  • Current Mood
    calm calm


I'm not mad i'm not anything, You obviously started to go on live journal as a way to communicate with me..... so by shutting yourself out thinking thats what I perfer your wrong.